In Memory of Matthew.

I am doing this bike ride in memory of Matthew. He and his family have been friends of my partners family for the past thirty years and I met him several times since my partner and I met in 2015. Sadly, Matthew took his own life in 2017, he had just celebrated his fortieth birthday. His death changed many people’s lives forever. He hid his pain so well, that those closest to him wondered how they could have missed how he was feeling. The guilt that follows so many such deaths hung in the air. The questions, ‘could we have done more?’ ‘How could we have missed the signs?’ were a constant in the hearts and minds of those closest to him in the days and weeks following the tragic event.

Whether Matthew couldn’t articulate his pain or whether he was protecting others from it is something we will never know, but what we do know of Matthew it was probably the latter. He cared deeply about others, was always there when anyone was in need of a shoulder to lean on. He enjoyed life to the full, he knew how to have a good time. He never judged people, never set out to hurt anyone. He was devoted to his son and step children. His work colleagues loved him as did anyone who came to know him. He loved his friends, he was very loyal to them – he always liked being with his mates, having a good time. He loved life and yet, he decided to end it and to those on the outside that remains a puzzle to this day He didn’t leave a note explaining his decision, he just took his life, quietly and deliberately in the middle of a very dark night.

The need to talk, to find that safe space to let it all out, to articulate the pain and distress without fear of burdening loved ones is so important. Men in particular, often find talking about their feelings difficult. I chose to raise money for Kaleidoscope because they see that need and they offer that support. That support may be the difference between someone making the decision to live rather than to die and that is the legacy that Matthew would have wanted to leave and his family continue to work to that end in his memory.